My Babies-- A day in the life

I just had to share a pic from mother's day this year. They are growing so fast. Every day they do something new! They are FINALLY getting to a point where they are playing really well together. Addison is really starting to talk now. Their conversations catch me off-guard daily! I love them with all of my heart.

 Sweet Addi girl loves her babies. She has even taken some after me playing with them, and talks in a different little voice when she is talking for her baby dolls. It is too funny! Brayden dressed himself today.... but you can't tell can you? It didn't help that I was going through stuff to donate to goodwill when he was picking his outfit! -- Yes, those are socks and crocks! The hat was added later.

Addison is such a little mommy. She mothers everything. Here she is playing with her carseat and lamb. She totes around something with her most everywhere she goes. Brayden picked out a little monster toy that has a see through belly so that you can see what it has eaten the last time we went to Toys R Us. Addison decided that she wanted to be it's mommy. They fought over it for three days! Addison would take the little monster and wrap him up in baby blankets and cook for him and feed him bottles and rock him to sleep. Then Brayden would get ahold of him and growl and make it eat other toys and throw it until Addison caught wind that he was mistreating her little baby. There is never a dull moment!

But, Brayden has decided that some of the stuff Addi does is pretty fun too! They are so different in how they play. I try and encourage them to play together. (They are best friends after all) -- Within a few minutes Brayden had his puppy all strapped into the carseat... complete with a blanket to cover him up with. ( Which is pretty good for puppy, since he then ran as fast as he could down the hallway with it screaming... "don't fall out.... weee weee weee")

Brayden may be all boy, but he is very sweet. He loves to snuggle and has gotten quite attached to this puppy that Addison got for Christmas. (We will wait a few years before we break it to him that it is actually hers) He loves to snuggle and hug and kiss. He tells everyone that he loves them and tells mommy and sissy that they are pretty. He is terrified of bugs, water, and the dark, and about any noise that you could make. And then there is Addison. Who is completely little miss girly girl. Who is afraid of nothing. She loves bugs and animals and would do anything by herself if you would let her. It amazes me how contrasting their personalities are. They are so sweet, and loving and innocent. They have changed my life so much.

Brayden just got out of bed asking for porridge! I guess I had better wrap this up!

Our little Buggy Friends

So, a thanks to all of my friends who correctly identified the little buggy visitor picture I posted on my facebook page. We have a Box Elder Bug (or Beetle) picnic going on on my front porch!! I am not exaggerating when I say that there are hundreds or even thousands of these little guys out there! I got out the Ortho Home Defense spray before I even knew what they were and sprayed the doorway, all of the little cracks in our concrete and around the flower beds before we left the house yesterday. They were crawling out of everywhere! It was a little creepy, then I sprayed a pile of leaves.....

EEEKkkkkkk!!!

Last year I noticed a few of these little guys, and thought nothing of it. This year, is a completely different ballgame. There are too many to not notice! Luckily, upon doing a little research, they are actually quite friendly little bugs. They are called Box Elder Bugs (or beetles). It turns out, we have a female box elder maple tree in our front yard... who knew?( Those are the trees whose seeds are the ones that you throw in the air and they come to the ground like a helicopter!! ) They don't sting or bite, but they stink (in large numbers) and stain when they are squished (which also makes their smell potent). Their smell attracts more of the beetles. I am really glad that they are friendly, but I still want them gone. They shouldn't be a problem as long as the weather is warm, but when winter arrives, they attempt to move in to somewhere warm... ie... my house!!

Here is a little buggy close up for you to enjoy.. :)  After reading up on them a little bit, I do feel for the little guys a bit. They only live for a few days as the individual bug life goes. They like syrup and enjoy sunning themselves on particularly warm days. --- sound familiar---- these bugs are me in my teenage years!! They congregate together because they like company! They spend hours on the telephone and enjoy reading any gossip magazines and often take the car without filling up the tank on its return.... wait... maybe that last part was me!! Either way, I have already poisoned the little suckers.... and hopefully it works! I don't want this to turn into a full fledged war! I don't think I would win either. They can fly up to two miles, and there are a lot of these trees in my neighborhood. Hopefully our tree will be somewhat less desirable until we get the house sold... they they can have it back! It was a little scary that most Internet sites suggested getting rid of the tree as the best defense. That tree is home value!!! Minus a couple thousand bugs that is!! Wish us luck!!

And so we march.....

Today was our first Walk with Brayden with the March of Dimes. I am so humbled by the amount of support that we have received from our friends and family over these last three years. It was honestly the hardest thing that I have ever done! I sit in tears now as I think back to our time of struggle that we went through.... I held them back on and off all day. He is still my little miracle baby, and we were so blessed during all of his hospitalization and journey through all of this. Others aren't as lucky. I knew this throughout everything. I hid tears and being overwhelmed because I felt guilt to cry or be upset when my baby was doing so much better than most babies in his position. I mostly cried because of the knowledge of what exactly we had avoided and what still at any moment could go wrong.

My work family helped me more than they ever could know. I was lucky enough to be hospitalized where I work. They were always there. Through it all.... always asking how we were doing (and genuinely caring), bringing me food while I was on bed rest, bringing Brayden things that a baby should have since we did not have time for a shower. They even threw him a welcoming. I was lucky enough to get to work with such an amazing group of women. Just knowing that if I had a need, someone was there, was a blessing. --- And they prayed for us--- I know it because I prayed with many of them.-- THANK YOU.

The walk was really great. The weather was perfect, and the children were very well behaved! They just were more than happy to be out and about. It really was an awesome feeling to be surrounded by people who were there either because they shared a similar experience, or they were there supporting someone because they cared that much. Thank you to everyone who came to walk with us. It means so much to us. And also thank you to everyone who purchased t-shirts. He has sold 46 so far, and we will be putting in another order soon! I really do want Brayden to grow up knowing why we do this. I want him to know that it is for him, because he went through a lot in his journey, and we were blessed beyond measure to get to keep him!

When you register for the walk for your team, they send you over to the family tent, where you get your balloon. Purple balloons are for survivors and white balloons are for babies lost. I almost burst into tears right there! Then you walk by seeing other walkers with their respected balloons. They walk in memory, while I get to walk in honor... but yet we walk together. It is beyond touching. And again, I felt some guilt that some of those women with their white balloons had to be looking at my baby wondering what theirs would be like now. Here is a picture of Brayden with his purple balloon... because he is a Survivor!! I had never really thought of it in that light before. Sure... I knew that he had survived, and I knew that we could have lost him. But that he was a little fighter, and he took us all on his journey with him. He has taught me more in three years than I could have ever imagined possible.

At the end of the walk you release your balloon. (Brayden didn't really want to let his go, but he finally did) We walked through the finish line and everyone cheered and applauded. Brayden clapped for himself. I just smiled, and was really glad that mommy was wearing sunglasses! I was just overwhelmed with a sense of thankfulness.





Above is a picture of the "March with Boogie" team. Again.... thank you all so much again for coming!! And a picture of Brayden and Daddy marching.  He has come so far!!

Holding Daddy's Finger

Our little man

He was so tiny!!



One more....



Here is the link to our March of Dimes Page.http://www.marchforbabies.org/s_team_page.asp?seid=1845260&bt=15  There you can donate money, read our story or just learn how you can get involved with the organization. Brayden was born at 29 weeks (almost 3 months too soon) from preeclampsia. We stayed in the NICU for 47 days before we were released. He is now three years old with no delays at all. He is so smart, so loving and so full of life! We have been truly blessed!

Baby Clothes Quilt

Here is a little picture of Brayden's baby clothes quilt! I am really proud that I am making time to get it finished. It's about 1/3 of the way done and then I will back it and hand quilt it! A skill that I learned from my Grandma Brown. I was only 8 when she died. And yet she had already taught me so much! I still have a baby doll blanket that we made together. She had me cut out all of the pieces from some of her old clothes and I hand stitched each one sitting beside her as she quilted one of her own quilts. (and you can tell but come on.. it looks great for an 8 year old!) Then she binded it and tacked it and it became a baby doll blanket for my ragedy ann doll and occasionally my cat! Now Addison totes it around with her doll babies. I really wish she could see it. She would be so proud. Sewing really isn't something that gets handed down anymore.

An update on my little spring cleaning/ decluttering extravaganza.... In the last week I have done more laundry than ever thought possible (outside of a laundrymatt) and it is all folded and PUT AWAY. We shampooed and deep cleaned the carpets. I went through the kids toys, and drawers again. We didn't make it to the consignment sales, but that's ok... there is always next time. I have decided to get rid of my high chairs and switch to the kind of booster seats that go in the chairs. Any feedback if you already have these kind would be greatly appreciated. I haven't for so long because that table that I loved so much as a single person with no children, I now hate because it is so tall. I completely decluttered and deepcleaned the laundry room. (probably because I spent so much time in there this week!!)Now the only things in the cabinets above the washer and dryer are actually related to cleaning.... well... and our liqour! (maybe I should have put a dent in that too! For the sake of decluttering of course!!)  I found the biggest dustbunny I have ever seen! ( my kids like to take the lint out of the trashcan) I should have posted pics of that! They were both covered head to toe in lint! I had to take them outside and strip them down and dust off their clothes and hair BEFORE the bath, so I wouldn't clog up the drain!! Ooh.... and I got a new mop... beacuse lets face it... I HATE swiffers and don't feel like it really works unless it is an old fashoined rope mop! :) ---- OOhhhh and the linen closet... how could I forget the linen closet? I cleaned it all out and donated two trashbags full of  baby blankets, twin and full sheet sets and 4-5 duffel bags & backpacks!

“We'll be Friends Forever, won't we, Pooh?' asked Piglet.

This is what I hope my kids remember of their childhood-- Always and Forever. I have told Brayden since Addison came along that "sissy is your best friend", hoping that it would just stick. They are getting to a point now that they can actually play together and enjoy each other. (not that they do consistantly--- but hey.... I am not is some dream lollypop land and never expected for them to not fight. ) And boy do they fight! The scream back and forth at each other --- Brayden, "No Sissy, No" and Addison (who can barely speak anything) manages to scream out "No, No, No, Bray".  They are both very dramatic and love to get each other in trouble. But those few and far between moments when they really play nice together, and hug and kiss and tickle each other, giggleing back and forth is more than enough to make your heart melt for their love for one another.  Brayden has actually said on more than one occasion, "Mommy, I love Sissy... she is my best friend." And I love every moment of it. They are really into holding hands righ now. Brayden takes Addison by the hand and leads her around the house. (At least that's how it starts before he is dragging her down the hallway by the hand screaming "run faster sissy") The road they are walking down, I walked down myself in my childhood (not hand in hand with my sister.... we would never have done anything like that--- probably why I really do want them to be affectionate--- we love each other, we just weren't raised to show it in that way) I just long for them to be close. Here are a couple of quotes that I ran across about siblings that I have decided that I love. :) ( I couldn't help but to include Winnie the Pooh-- I love that bear!"

" Siblings by nature, friends because mommy said so." -- Unknown
" A sister is like having a best friend that you can't get rid of" -- Unknown

“We'll be Friends Forever, won't we, Pooh?' asked Piglet.
Even longer,' Pooh answered.”
― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

“If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day so I never have to live without you.”
― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

“If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together... there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart... I'll always be with you.”
― A.A. Milne

I flirt with hoarding...

I FLIRT WITH HOARDING....... there... I said it... outloud... (well in an online sort of way)!
No, I promise I am not really a hoarder! My home is not pile after pile of crap with food everywhere and paths to navigate through.... I am only saying that I struggle with getting rid of THINGS. I am not sure really where it came from. And that is only compounded by the fact that I keep EVERYTHING... which was all fine and good until the children started coming! LOL. My husband and I joke about it quite frequently. He is trained well... he knows not to throw anything away that could in some fashion be thought of as a keepsake of any kind! ( he is a really good husband) I realize that I am creating a huge amount of "stuff" to store and keep, so I try to organize and minimize as much as I can stand it. I scrapbook--- which I love and that is actually neatly organized with all of the keepsakes and pictures and papers and stickers, all tucked into the ugliest cabinet/ 5 dresser drawer combo unit that you can imagine. Their baby clothes that the kids wore all of the time I am making into blankets--- which will be great--- once they are put together all of the way.... until then there are just totes of keepsake clothes and yet another "project" that I have. Where in the world did all of this come from? I mean.. I even do it with my clothes! I guarantee that I have some clothes from at least high school! I still have boxes in my garage from the first time I moved out of my parents house! I have just always HATED throwing anything away. I feel like I am wasteing it.

My Aunt Sassy could share her story with you about her helping me move once. She packed up my bathroom and I SWEAR she packed three boxes of just lotion, body spray and cosmetics! ( this was also in my defense about 8 years ago when Bath and Body Works had just became popular and the "It" gift of the year was bath sets) We had a good laugh and I promised to not buy any more until all of my other stuff was gone! (and then it took me another move before I actually threw it all away)
 We donate to Goodwill actually quite frequently. I always have. I am just by nature an Agonizer. I agonize about every decision that you can think possible. My husband hates it! This Agonizing is only compounded by the constant thoughts I get when going through things that maybe other people could use it.. or maybe I could repurpose it in some way... I am way too creative at times! I just rarely have the time anymore to follow through with anything! And going through the boxes in the garage of the things that I haven't seen in a long time (from high school etc) is aweful. I start out pretty good... but lets face it... I am also a reminisser... I look at pictures and notes and stuff that I had and remember the times--- what life was like then--- how I though and how this particular item made me feel... and then I agonize about what to do with it now! Torture!!  ( I am sure some of you are reading this and thinking that I am really messed up! It really isn't THAT bad-- I promise...)

I have never claimed to be the neatest person in the world (with the one exception of growing up in the same room with my neat-freak sister--- I may at one time or another--- have suggested that the problem with our messy room may have been her too--- which I seriously doubt now) (our good friends will get a kick out of that one) My house is an organized mess at times. Almost never completely clean... mainly just lived in. It is amazing to me how fast with little ones that things pile up on every open space possible... first bottles then sippy cups and then diaper and wipe stashes and I know I at least have four diaper bags that are all in different places in the house.

I blog about this now because I am really pushing myself to get rid of things. Maybe it's spring cleaning, maybe it's an eventual move to a smaller home, I just feel like I need to.  When did all of the stuff become so important to me? I definetly have sentimental attachment to TONS of things! I feel like everything reminds me of something! lol. My job has to play a part too. I am constantly reminded of how short and unpromised tomorrow really could be... so I try and capture every moment... just in case. I absolutely love looking at pictures too. Every bit of it. Memory is so funny to me. I look back at pictures of my babies (from not that long ago even) and I am dumbfounded about how much I actually don't recall by just closing my eyes and thinking about it. "Were Brayden's cheeks really that fat?" -- most of what I remember is how small he was. And I am not going to lie... IT SCARES ME! I don't ever want to forget....any of it. I am terrified that I or my husband may have alzheimers disease one day... or something may happen to one of us and we would gradually forget what the other person was like. ---- ugh... crying now... for no good reason. I can't help but think of things... something happens when you become a mother.

On a positive note... I am doing really good at going through and getting rid of a ton of stuff. It is crazy just how much stuff you accumulate over the years. I definetly don't need half of all of the stuff, but then again.... there isn't much in this life that you actually NEED. Just figured I would put it all out there... I CAN'T be the only one...

Ladies and Gentlemen

I sit and watch my children playing and am amazed at how different they are. It is crazy that at such a young age they each have different loves. I have a boy and a girl. It blows me away how Brayden is All boy and Addison is All girl, without any specific direction given to them. They are starting to play well together. I am not saying that Addison won't play cars with Brayden, or that Brayden doesn't play kitchen with Addi. Brayden has always had a love of balls. Always. When he was a small baby he liked rolling them in his little hands and rolling them back and forth. Now he has an arm that is almost unbelievable. It was one of his first words "ball", and every time we go into a store, it is still the toy that he desires most. His new love is cars. I say new love... he has actually loved cars since he was about 1. He has a ton of them. He lines them up everywhere. Seeing the movie Cars only enhanced this love. I held out as long as I could with the movies. Not that I don't want them to watch movies, and I LOVE Disney. I just wanted them to play, without the constant influence of TV for as long as they could. Now he begs for the movie. He has favorite characters, which is adorable. I like that he picked out for himself, what it is that he loves in life. I know that each child, with the influence of their environment, will pick out a love out of what they are exposed to. BUT I LOVE THAT! Each of his little friends is a little different. He has a little friend that Loves Batman (from what I can tell from facebook-- he is a long distance friend-- I love that I can know that from facebook-- Amber I love you and your little family even though we don't get to see as much of each other as we would love to). And he has a little friend that is very much a cowboy and loves to bull-ride. I like that all of his friends aren't clones of himself. They play together, and are friends even though they are different. The lessons start early don't they.

Addison is a different story. She is very much a girlie girl. She is a nurturer. I have never seen a girl who loves baby dolls as much as she does. She learned to walk toting one in her arms. It was quite comical, watching her fumble around trying to make it, when she refused to take a single step without her dolly. She kisses everything. I love this about her. She is so sweet. (not that she doesn't have an ornery side... anyone who knows Addi knows that she is quite the spitfire) She is just a lover. She loves playing kitchen and putting on clothes. Addison did everything really fast in life. I think she didn't want to miss out on anything. She loves to get one over on Brayden. I catch her all the time grabbing something that she knows that he wants and running off with it. The chase is on. She is so quirky, and clumsy. She likes jewelry and things that are pretty. That was one of her first words "pretty". Everything is pretty to Addison. I love it.

I am also very thankful that I was fortunate enough to have my best friends have children at the same time that I did. I know that not everyone gets this experience. I feel like I am never alone. Any questions/frustrations/advice is only a phone-call away. They are going through the same things that I am, at exactly the same time. Sometimes it is just having someone that can relate. Our children are friends, and will grow up knowing each other. I enjoy spending time and catching up with each of you. I might go crazy without you guys! You guys are my lifelines, and don't mind that my house isn't perfect, or that I am not put together all of the time, and you understand that I don't have a sitter all the time and are completely fine going out with us with the kids. As hectic as it may sometimes be... I love it. It won't always be this way... I don't want to rush through it.

Contemplating a trip to the Grocery Store

Why is it that only a few grocery stores have carts designed to accommodate more than one infant/toddler? It is generally how I make my decision of where to shop... honestly. If I am alone with both kids, it's always Crest; where each cart has the capability of restraining both of my children without them having direct access to the groceries. And, many times there is a little car attached to the front-- where they can actually entertain themselves and allow me to shop without total chaos. (not that it ever is completely avoidable) Yes.... I am aware, shoppers with no children... they are bulky and hard at times to maneuver.... but you will deal with it.. just as I do. Come on Walmart--- get some more mommy carts! Most stores only have a few carts per store that have the square thing attached to it where children can sit in and be strapped. I am thankful that mine are a little older now, because putting an infant in it would completely be a no go. How hard would it be to get the carts with seating for two? I just don't know how people with twins under the age of four get by (grocery shopping that is).  I will never understand why they don't make it easier for mommies to shop. After all... we are the shoppers, the makers of lists, the ones who shop the most!

I remember my first trip to the grocery store as a mother of two small children (both under the age of 2). I got out of the car, put Addison in her car seat at the top of the cart, loaded my diaper bags and purse under the cart, unloaded Brayden (who up until this time had always been bubble-protected complete with a cart cover in the top seat) and put down a blanket and put him in the bottom part of the basket. It just didn't feel right.... I stressed about not having every square inch of the cart covered so he couldn't lick it! I kept thinking about all of the germs in a shopping cart. Oh and Chicken.... what if someone didn't wrap their chicken up and it got a hole in it and its chicken juices were in the cart, where I just put my sweet little 17 month old? We really needed food though... I was out of everything... and desperately needed milk and diapers. Tears already rolling down my face, I pushed my cart into the entryway. Then it hit me... CRAP... where do I put all of my groceries?!? I can do this... I know I can do this... It is just a grocery store Tiffany... millions of people make this trip everyday. I started with the diapers. I need these. I will buy the things I can't possibly put off any longer first. I grabbed one case of each size I needed. ( I had diapers in the trunk of my car that needed to be exchanged for a different size for Addison. That mission had been completely aborted in the parking lot. It just wasn't in the cards today...) I stashed one case under the cart with both diaper bags and my purse. The second one wouldn't fit. I had to put it in the cart with Brayden. Okay... it's a box. He can't hurt or open it. It will be ok. And then it happened... he saw me, bending to put them in with him. He wanted me to hold him... and carry him. I tried to not make eye contact with him. (because maybe he would just start playing with the box or something... or if I don't look directly at him, maybe he can't see me). Wrong... so I picked him up. It is really hard to push a heavy cart, that you can't really see over because you aren't tall enough with the car seat on the top, through the isles of walmart. MILK.... if I can just make it to the milk. ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE STORE. So we begin our journey.... and then Addison starts crying. Oh no! I pull over the buggie the best I can. Already there are people who are trying to get around me. I am now in the grocery section, where I am realizing there is no good place to pull over. The diaper area was so much safer feeling and more secluded. Everyone there looked at us nicer. Brayden's meltdown in the diaper section was almost private feeling. The people that did look over gave glances of encouragement. They understood. Only their baby wasn't freaking out at the moment... or they had been lucky enough to make it out of their house alone. NOT in the grocery area. I put Brayden back into the bottom of the cart to make Addison a bottle. Now they are both freaking out. Awesome. I fumbled around trying to get the diaper bag out to make her a bottle. Where on earth is my bottled water? I get out the second diaper bag... by now lots of people are trying to get around me.. or reach behind me for groceries... and EVERYONE is staring. Everyone. I finally pick up and move over into a safer area directly across from grocery... ahh the clothing section. Where people aren't so unforgiving. I make Addison a bottle and try to feed it to her and maneuver us back to the milk. I decided I couldn't hold Brayden and feed Addison. Brayden didn't understand this and continued to cry, despite me throwing every toy I had brought into the cart with him. I can see the milk. The only thing stopping me now was stopping to pick up the toys that Brayden is throwing angrily our of the cart.  I grabbed the first milk I came to. There was no looking over the entire milk section and selecting the one that had the expiration date furthest from today. I then paraded us, (almost all in tears) to the checkout lane. All of the cashiers glanced up from what they were doing as we walk by, giving me the "please not me" look. I paid for the groceries, and had made it to the parking lot. Everyone stopped crying. Brayden giggled from the bumps of the pavement all the way to the car. He had the biggest smile I think I had ever seen him have. Addison was content and sleeping now, still just precious still in all of her newness. I smiled and put them in the car. MISSION COMPLETE.. KIND OF. Wow... what a trip. I called my husband on the way home. I told him I bought milk and diapers, but we still needed to go grocery shopping. I am pretty sure I sent him to the store that night with a list.

My shopping trips nowadays aren't nearly as difficult. Or maybe I am just accustomed to a little bit of chaos. We have our meltdowns from time to time, but we deal with it and move on. I don't care who stares or comments. It is much easier to take someone with you. Single moms.... kudos to you. To always go it alone... you are stronger than I am. I almost always still go to Crest if I am alone. It is just more manageable. I need to go to the store today. I think I will wait until my husband gets home. I have found the easiest method is the two parent, two cart method!

Valentines Day

I have a love-hate relationship with Valentines day. I love everyone expressing their love with gifts and I have to admit that I love the Valentines cards and candy hearts themselves. I bought my babies their Valentines day things and I honestly can't wait to give them to them! They are only 1 and 2, but who doesn't LOVE stuffed animals and chocolate. I even got them each a box of valentines to color for grandma, aunt, their little friends etc. I got confetti cake and red and pink sprinkles to make a cake.... and I already have a heart-shaped pancake dinner planned! It is going to be great and I can't wait!

We are making Valentines Bags at work and have them displayed on a wall at the hospital. It is so much fun! Co-workers and our little patients have already started filling the bags for the people that they love. I get all giddy about it.. I LOVE every moment of it. I absolutely LOVE arts and crafts and I have great memories of doing this in school, and as an adult... it is still fun! These bags bring back so many fond memories, but they also bring back to mind the unnecessary pain that Valentines Day can bring. Oh the competition of it all. I remember sitting in school watching the other kids get flowers and balloons delivered to school. I knew my mother couldn't afford it, so it didn't bother me that much. She cared for us just the same. They would look around, with all eyes on them as they opened the card, blushed and displayed it for all to see at the corner of their desk. This only worsened in middle school and high school as we all wanted desperately to be in a couple. Everything surrounded who's boyfriend did what, and who had the best/most romantic gift... you would wait all day to see when it was going to happen. The school even had fund-raisers where you could pay $2.00 to have a special valentine delivered to your friends. I always had a boyfriend for valentines day and I remember feeling the competition between coupes. I can only imagine the feelings of those that were single for Valentines day. IN MIDDLE SCHOOL!! Yes I am serious! And it is almost like we were taught to feel sorry for them.


I sat with my husband talking about our Valentines Day Plans... He knows I will be "One of those mothers" that always sends something for them to the school. And the truth is I will be... I want them to feel what I didn't always get to feel. I want them to know that I love them and that I am always their biggest fan.... and I LOVE doing it! I will cut their sandwiches into hearts and leave them notes in their lunch (not only on valentines day) and do anything that I can to let them know that they are special to me. I want them to have a good self-esteem; although it is a little silly that a holiday can play so much into it. Being a mother now, I can't help but think about the kids that get left out. It takes me back to my first (and saddest) memories of Valentines Day. First Grade. We spent all day making our valentine boxes for our party later that week. They went onto the backs of our chairs. We all got lists sent home with us with each childs name on them, I remember buying Valentines and sitting at home filling them out and putting so much thought into which friend was going to get each one. Then I got to Chris. No one liked him. He smelled bad and no one played with him. I didn't want to give him a Valentine. I remember asking my mom if I had to give him one... even crossing him off of my list of people to give one to. Of course she said that I had to give one to everyone or I couldn't bring any at all, so I picked out my least favorite and gave it to him. I remember writing my name really messy because I didn't want him to think that I liked him. How awful! Tears fill my eyes now as I sit and write this. This is someones baby. I can't imaging how I would feel if I were his mother, or how I would feel if I were him. Chris didn't get as many Valentines as everyone else did at the party. He looked sad, but never said anything.... and neither did I. I remember being glad that I contributed to the number of Valentines that he did get, but also hoping that he couldn't tell that it was me that gave it to him. My little first grade heart just didn't understand at the time. Your early experiences set so much for you in life. I hope to teach my children compassion... to love everyone because Jesus does. I can't imagine being so young and living out life in a world where no one shows you any kindness. 


I never knew what happened to Chris. He moved away and it was almost like he was never there. But he is here with me now... a memory that is shaping the way that I choose to parent. A story that I plan on sharing with my children when they are older. I only wish that he knew now that I care. I may not have then... but I do now. And I am sorry.

Why I'm blogging

When I was young I had a diary. I loved the idea of being completly honest in writing, to express yourself where outwardly I sometimes struggle. I quickly learned that even that required a hiding spot... thank you sister. But the main lingering reason I decided to blog was a patient that I once took care of, that I have never been able to get out of my mind. I think of her often, and I like to think that she is still with us, although I don't dare ask the Drs for an update on her. Her name was Sarah. She normally stays at home on hospice;  She was experiencing complications and they were determining rather or not they were going to treat it or if it was just closer to end of life. I had the pleasure of being her nurse the day that she was admitted. I went in thinking that I hoped that I could do something for her... instead she did something for me. She was around eleven or twelve years old, frail but otherwise intact young lady. Her mother was with her and they were understandably very close. When the doctors came in to talk to the mother-- the patient took out her hearing aids. She said that she didn't want to know what they were doing or how much time that she still had. She smiled, closed her eyes and tried to sleep --- all while the mother and dr's decided her course. They ran tests, changed meds and went on, all the while she was the perfect patient. Her only request--- to have no information as to what was going on. I could do that. Her mother asked me if I could stay in the room with her while she ran to the cafeteria... we normally don't sit in the rooms when parents aren't there, but in this case I felt like I should, so I did. The minute she knew her mother was a safe distance away, she broke down.... completely. It turns out, she had forgotten her notebook at home. She needed something to write in. She had written to her mother almost daily for years since she was diagnosed, and hadn't came prepared for all of this. She wanted to make sure her mother knew all of her, and while she didn't want me to tell her... if she was truely close to death this time, she wanted me to tell her mother that her notebooks were for her. They were under her bed.  WOW. I got her a notebook... well... actually a packet that the chaplains hand out that has a diary in it. (which she was thrilled about) And thankfully, I didn't have to tell her mother about her notebooks. This was something that they could treat and she would go on about her way. This patient would stick with me, and probably will for the rest of my career and life. I was shocked that she was so caring and selfless at such a young age. She was more concerned for her mother's loss than she was of her own. She was an amazing young lady and I was lucky to have met her. And while I don't want this blog to be like a memorial to me, I do want a closer glimpse inside of my mind. If something should happen to me, I would want my children to know how much I loved being their mother, and my family to know how much I loved them.